Tuesday 27th August we decided to head east as it had come to our attention that we needed winter tyres from November to April in a lot of countries. We were currently heading to Spain on the approach to September and realised that this was a silly thing to do seeing as it meant spending at least 4/5 months there and then trying to cram in other countries we wanted to see the following year when we didn’t even have the right tyres for most of them. So going east made more sense as that way we could visit other countries with these restrictions before heading to Spain for the winter.
The day didn’t start well again though, in fact I think it’s safe to say that this was the worse. Unfortunately our little 4 year old was playing up again and this time we couldn’t handle it, it was so unlike her- usually she’s as good as gold. There was a lot of shouting going on whilst we were driving and unfortunately I took a turn for the worse emotionally. I felt bad for shouting at her but also couldn’t cope with the stress of it all and still felt like my world was crumbling down around me. It’s amazing how you can have such good days and then really bad days and this is why it’s so hard for people to get their heads around because from the outside it seems like nothing is wrong and then you have a bad day and you look like a psycho! Well the end result was me having a panic attack and us having to pull over so I could remove myself from the situation and not let our children see the state I was getting into.
I’ll be honest and say that this was a really bad day for me and I really felt like shutting down completely- I needed help. I was sick of fighting with myself and not being understood and my husband had clearly had enough but I didn’t appreciate how much it had affected him negatively. I got back in the van and I knew he wasn’t happy- this was the day our marriage was going to fall apart. We set a course for Calais yet again and drove along until the children got fed up. We stopped at a campsite and I took a call from my mum. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it as I was traumatised still and felt like my heart was breaking but I had already ignored her previous one and didn’t want her to worry so I answered it. Of course, she knew something was wrong straight away- mums’ always do don’t they! I couldn’t help myself as I sobbed on the other end of the phone to her. To be honest it was just what I needed- to confide in my mummy and of course she did her best to soothe me as all parents do.
We parked up and I took the children to the park so myself and my husband could have some thinking space alone- what was happening to us? What could we do to fix this? Is this really the end?
A million questions and solutions must have raced through my head but neither of us had the answer so we just tried to get on with the rest of the day the best we could.
We took the little ones to the pool but our little water baby was not having a good time- he wanted to be able to crawl around to his hearts content but we was definitely not going to let him around water so eventually I took him back and settled him down. Alone again, I managed to do some research and discovered that we were suffering from a type of parent burnout, not the ‘I’m neglecting my children emotionally and physically type’ but the more common type associated with parents- as in we always put our children first and never did anything for ourselves, we very rarely went on ‘date nights’ and therefore we were lacking on intimacy and had just become parents who were living more like housemates rather than man and wife. We forgot how to laugh together because we never had quality time together and the added stresses of depression and work had only added fuel to the fire. In summary we had neglected ourselves and our marriage. We needed to work on it and make our marriage equal to parenting rather than it taking a back seat.
Myself and my husband had a real long discussion about this and we were both relieved to discover that neither of us wanted this to be the end- we were both just seeing a dead end and no way out but instead all we had to do was knock that wall down in order to get to the other side. We were both willing to work on it and look at how we can make things better- of course it wasn’t going to happen over night especially when we were travelling as a family- that meant no date nights until we returned but we we could give ourselves time individually so that we could enjoy ourselves for an hour or so doing the things we used to enjoy doing, like exercising which also releases endorphins that would benefit us from all the stress, anxiety and depression. We discussed about myself going back to work upon our return and also having separate bank accounts again as we both felt like we were constantly asking for permission for things. We thought that the way we were parenting was right- that if you had children then they were your responsibility and no one else’s so that is why we never really went out but we’ve since learnt that maybe we were wrong. Not completely, I mean we don’t want to take the piss and take our loved ones for granted by letting them have our children all the time; they have their own lives too but we knew that we needed to go on more ‘date nights’ and actually be husband and wife again. We would look into paid babysitting too- we did this before with a friend of mine so we wouldn’t have to rely on family all the time. We needed to find our spark again and re-ignite our flame.
Finally a light at the end of the tunnel- we had a problem, we found a solution and now it was time to dig our way out. Not long after our little boy who must have swallowed too much pool water threw up everywhere and I mean everywhere! We had to pull up the carpets, spray vanish onto nearly everything in sight, and throw tea towels away. My husband dashed off to the showers with our son so they could both get cleaned up whilst I febreezed the motorhome to death! Unfortunately our little boy was in for a rough night and screamed the entire night. I grabbed a duvet and some pillows and slept by his bed the entire night just in case he was sick again and also so I could keep an eye on him.
I know this blog is very personal but we hope that it helps one person. We have nothing to hide and don’t want to paint you all a lovely picture when reality just wasn’t like that. Depression hits a lot of people and we want people to know that you are not alone- please please find help, confide in people whether they are doctors, strangers or someone you know because people do want to help you they just don’t know they are needed. And no matter what you think you are worth it. You have just sunk too far down and need to get your head above water again to see the light. Marriage/relationships always require you to put in effort and that must never stop otherwise you end up taking each other for granted unless you are in an unhealthy relationship; in that case get the hell out of it as fast as you can. We just want everyone to know that you are not alone, that life is hard sometimes but if you are determined then you will find a way out. We’re no experts as you know but we’ve admitted and accepted we have a problem and now we can work on it as can you. Everyone is going through their own personal journey and just because you can’t see them stressed or unhappy doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Be patient and be kind to one another- you never know what someone else is going through. X
K.E.E.N Explorers 